Do you have a deep, dark secret that nobody knows?

Yes, actually. And currently I am debating turning around with the lantern and facing it head on. Short blog because if I do, they will be long and there will be more than one.

How do you feel about Valentine's Day?

Oh, that's quite simple. I really dislike it.  The reasons for me disliking it however are more complicated.

First and foremost, it is an extremely damaging holiday, psychologically and emotionally. We are raised with such intense pressure on a social level to have someone on Valentine's day.. To get the most Valentine's Day cards etc.  We're taught on a subconscious level that it matters because of our peers.  I remember yearning for someone on Valentine's Day growing up... until finally I realized just how ridiculous it was that one day can make you so utterly miserable.

Let's see.  First, it's saying that love = flowers, candy, presents, jewelry, etc.  That you have to show your love on one specific day a year.

How wrong is that? Let's begin with the fact that Valentine's Day doesn't actually have deep emotional meaning for most people unless they let it.  By that I mean you weren't married on Valentine's Day. You didn't start dating on Valentine's day. You didn't meet on Valentine's Day.  Valentine's Day is nothing more than a weak symbol of your love for each other. See, don't get me wrong. Love if you're in a relationship is a good thing..

Showing that love is a very good thing. But you should show your love for each other every day.  Hell, my dad used to buy me presents on a whim to show he cared. Sure, that's a different kind of love, but the idea is the same.

Love is not in a day, or in a card, or in flowers. It's in you, or it's not.  Showing love can be something little, or something big.  To me, showing love is as simple as buying Jason a Dr. Pepper. He loves Dr. Pepper.. so I'll pick him up one on occasion (he's cutting back on caffeine as well as cigarettes) as a treat.

Love is complicated. If I find a decent "Snipe" I'll pick it up for him. For those of you who aren't poor smokers, a snipe is a part of a cigarette people leave behind. I only grab ones that are half a cigarette, and don't look nasty.  (He burns the filter to get germs off.  After all, he is inhaling arsenic..)


The second thing that really pisses me off about Valentine's day is how much pressure there is on you to be in a relationship. It's not a really special fucking day, honestly. Yes, that deserves a "fucking". It's really depressing to me to see my friends who are single get so upset about it one day a year. You get jealous of people in relationships because they have someone and you don't.. Biologically we tend to want a mate. This one specific day it is hammered into our head over... and over... and over again.

See, the thing is... You need to love yourself. You need to be able to be happy on your own before you can really do so with another person.  Not judging people, just trying to say... You ARE worthy of love. You have friends who love you, family who loves you (biologically or not).  The fact that you don't have a romantic love at the moment is not a shadow looming over your head, or it shouldn't be.

I was alone every year until I met Jason.  That's 21 years of being alone. No, I don't think it made me bitter... It was the observation of the holiday and people's reactions to it that did so.


So, to me, this day is nothing special. I'll respect other people's views of it, and say aloud that I care for my friends and family and Jason... But it isn't that special to me.

"Why did you get started with Occupy?"

I got started with Occupy Portland/interested in OWS in general because I so completely agree with the idea of what they are talking about. I have socialist tendencies- I think those who have far more money than they could ever really spend should WANT to donate / give back to those who gave them their wealth.  Not all of it, necessarily, but so little to them could make such a difference to other people.

The fact that these people are so obsessed with their money that they want to go out of their way to avoid paying their fair share of taxes...  that royally pisses me off. I've never trusted banks, and one of the times I had to, I got screwed over.

I understand that the psychological need to make money drives our society.  But the greed that comes along with it is a living thing. It disgusts me. It disgusts me that we have such a money-hoarding, self-obsessed society.

I'm not saying I necessarily have the right to make people do things my way. I don't. As much as I sometimes wish I did, because I'd prefer the world run my way. Who wouldn't?

I grew up in a motel. Most of my friends grew up poor too.  Not because I'm drawn to poor people, but because poverty/lower middle class is far more common than you think.  It bothers me to see my friends in times of great financial strain when there are people who do very little and make so much they could just buy a skyscraper because they feel like it.


There are people living on the street who are trying desperately to get off of them, to get out of the vicious cycle and CAN'T, because there is not nearly enough services.  Yeah, life's not fair.  That doesn't mean it has to be that way. We make choices. We can CHANGE things if we really want to.

Why do you post so many status updates?

(Most of these I've asked myself or found online. This I asked myself.)

I post so many status updates on Facebook, and if you pay careful attention/happen to look at just the wrong time you'll see statuses I post in the heat of the moment and delete as soon as I hit post.

I'm a very volatile person. I have a lot of very intense emotions which for the most part I'm able to keep contained. However, like a volcano, I have to let off steam fairly often to keep from "blowing my top" completely.  The emotions I feel intensely aren't just anger. It's everything. I can't just... keep it in. I can't just ignore it. I can't just.... deal with it on my own, for some reason.  I've tried.

I've tried writing about it in word documents, and filling a folder. I've tried counting to 10. I've tried soo many things, but I have so many things erupting in my head that I need to let them out. With some of them, I don't care if I get a response. That's not the point. That's not even the point of this, though I hope it does become interactive someday soon. The point is to keep my "temperature" at a decent level.  The point is that I LIKE to share these things with the world, the universe if you will. I'm well aware that most people don't care. If it annoys them, they can uncheck me from their subscriptions.

I like sharing. I like being an open book. Why? Because that way people will know where I stand. They'll know me. I have difficulty explaining myself, otherwise. I don't like things being on my mind, it feels like they ferment or boil.

Why do you like Puzzles so much?

I've loved puzzles for as long as I can remember. I remember going with my dad to work in the summer on occasion and sitting in his office back when he was afraid someone would call CPS on him for leaving an 11 year old home alone.  I'd sit there in the summer, and he'd pack me a cheap lunch. I got to sit in his office and put together puzzles, or go through the gaylords of books.  No, that's not an insult to those of us who are drawn to their own gender. A gaylord is actually a very large box. Approximately my arm span by my arm span, and as tall as my chest- I am 5'4.

The damaged books would get thrown into these containers unlovingly, slightly bent covers seeming to pout with lack of love. Scratched spines seeming to arch with the pain of not being properly loved and cared for.  I would climb in with my new friends and dig for treasures.. And treasures aplenty did I find.

At any rate, however, I'd spend my days putting together puzzles.  Or when Christmas came around, when I went to visit my mom's family, there would always be a card table in the corner with two chairs. One for me and one for whoever else.

I suppose part of the reason I like them so much is because there is that sense of peace you get from putting together 1,000 pieces of a whole image. Finding where everything goes, putting it in its place. Perhaps because I never had much stability growing up, I put a lot of stock into that. :)

My Dream Government

How would my dream country/government be run?

Let's see here. On a grand scale, the military would be decent, but not over-budgeted. They'd defend us when we needed it and there wouldn't be so many that we were in other countries for “their safety”. That's too political for my viewpoint.

There would be a lot of funding for research, and medical care and homelessness. For schools. Those would be my dream government's priority.

Marijuana would be legal, and there'd be much more true information about alcohol and tobacco to comat the mentality that they're not that bad. Not to try to convince people not to use them, but to warn them of side effects etc.

There wouldn't just be a two party system... It causes people to become too divided. Hell, you know what? It'd be great if anyone running for president had to pass a lie detector test and have a personality assessment :D

Courageous Acts

In your opinion, what acts can be described as courageous and why?

Well, that depends on the person.  On a large scale that we all acknowledge (okay, mostly), they happen when someone stands up to a force far greater than their own.  For example, peaceful protestors not running from the first riot cops they see.  Standing in the face of the possibility, and sometimes due to the police brutality we all know about and ignore, probability of being unfairly beaten or arrested.

It can be standing up to untruths and lies that are far greater than one person, standing up to corruption or bullies, standing up to muggers.

On a scale that we may not notice however, it may be simply getting up in the morning. Opening your eyes to a new day. Facing a crowded room.  It all depends on the person.

Personality Types

What personality type(s) drive you crazy?

It's not exactly personalities that drive me crazy, it's a certain mindset/attitude/things people DO that drive me batty.

For example, I am staying at a homeless shelter for families currently, while looking for apartments. There are 3 people I truly can't stand.  One of them constantly screams at her child, acts like a total bitch and acts as if she's helping the other parents when she thinks kids are misbehaving. It's really, really annoying because she just inserts herself into this "second mom" role, but she's high strung and, well, bitchy.  I've also now seen her hit her kid hard enough to echo off the building next to her. If I knew her last name I'd turn her in to CPS.

Not out of cruelty, out of concern for the kid. Unfortunately, most kids by that age (8-10?) are already trained not to say anything to authorities.

Then there is someone who used to live in a mid-country state. I wouldn't mention that except that she does, all the time.  She complains when it's too hot inside. She complains when it's "too cold" outside. She complains about all the food, every day that is provided, for free by people out of the goodness of their heart.  She complains still about the fact that over a month ago, someone's dog apparently pooped on the floor. She complains about this other lady who changed her kid's diaper in the middle of the floor (a toddler is different than a newborn, she assured me.)

Mind you... her boyfriend/husband does that all the time. She complains non-stop, from dawn til dusk, even when no one is listening.  She laments that she's here (Portland, Oregon) and not back there. It's never-ending. It is exhausting to be around.

Then there is the third type that really gets to me.  Perhaps it's my lack of social skills that makes this so annoying. Perhaps it is just my disgust toward people, my sheer frustration.  Maybe it isn't really her, it's just me... but.  What I find extremely frustrating is when this woman, and other mothers like her, make snarky little comments if I ever complain. I don't tend to complain often about Aedric.  And I don't even really do it at all.. I just talk to him.  He does certain things that bug me a little, like when he tries to motorboat my nipple. Not kidding. So, just because hes another person, I'll talk to him like he understands.  I'll say "No, don't do that" etc.  And then usually this one person says something that would be fine were it not for the tone and attitude behind the words- "Oh, you just WAIT til he gets older, it gets so much worse"  With this grin of glee at how terrible motherhood is.

I even tried ignoring her once, right? And she got an attitude and said "Don't take it all PERSONAL..".


-_-

Doubts?

What goals have you been unable to accomplish because you have doubts about your abilities?

I'm not going to say that I AM unable to accomplish them.. But I will say I haven't accomplished them due to doubts and fears.  For years I have wanted to write a novel. Not just any novel, a bestseller. I know it's there in me, beating at the cage it's trapped in. I know it. I have such unlimited creativity.. Except that I put limits on MYSELF.

I will admit this here, in the alleged anonymity of the internet, because there is something more freeing in it than saying it aloud.  When you say it out loud to someone the wind can whip it away, tearing the words from your lips and scattering them to the world.  You can be interrupted in the midst of a thought and have to struggle to remember a shred of what you were talking about. The words are fleeting, unremarkable. At least from me. Some people are amazing speakers. I'm not. I barely feel comfortable talking. Actually, honestly, I prefer not talking. In writing I can make sure my message comes across clearly, in a way that is understandable.

But...  I'm afraid.  I am afraid of the sheer power of my creative mind. I am afraid of how easily I get swept up in things, swept away by them. I don't want to lose myself again in the whirlwind. 

It's the one thing I want more than anything (except my family to be happy.. and even that I'm not so sure ><;  If that makes me a terrible person, so be it.  But there are so many words in me that have been screaming for freedom that I just can't ignore them.

There is a reason I've started so many blogs. There is a reason I post so many status updates.  It's not because I want to be the center of attention- honestly, if people like it or don't doesn't matter to me. I HAVE to share them. Otherwise I feel like I'm about to erupt.  I've tried just writing them in documents, just writing them and keeping them to myself, but it doesn't work. The words aren't being freed into the universe.  They're being held tightly to my chest, crushed before they can fly.


I've started so many times, so many tales.. always stopping right as I feel the enormity of the tale sweeping into my mind like nothing else on the planet.  Perhaps that's what it is like to glance beside you and see a tidal wave coming upon you, knowing you are powerless against it.


Yes, I have doubts. And I am trying hard to relieve myself of them.  It is very rare that I am scared, but I am scared of losing my sanity again.

Do you act differently around certain people?

Found online.  Do you act differently around certain people? Why or why not?

Not necessarily, for the most part I'm the same.  The only real difference is what I will talk about. I'm in general a very blunt person.. With some people, if I don't feel comfortable around them I'll be quiet, and contained. But for the most part I say what's on my mind.

On the one hand, we are friends with different people for different things. On the other, we are still ourselves. I'd rather show my true self as best as possible.

What will happen 12/21/12?

Asked on my facebook.

Okay, let's start off with, I don't think it'll be a catastrophic apocalypse.  I don't think nothing will happen, but I doubt it'll be physical. Sure, there might be a hurricane or a tidal wave, or an earthquake. But those happen all the time anyway, so that's nothing new.

Let's see here, semi logically, considering we are talking about a prophecy/mayan calendar/etc.

Currently, the situation politically, economically and socially are all tied together in a way.  The people at the tippy-top of the food chain financially jacked a bunch of people around, screwed them out of their homes, they pay minimum wage for psychologically straining jobs (I'm sorry, but customer service is NOT all that fun. Plastering a smile on your face while people treat you like less than dirt takes a lot out of you. Especially when you are paid minimum wage for it, and benefits aren't included.) and take all the profits.  They donate what they have to to charity to avoid extreme taxes, get budget cuts, and have this insane, absurd attitude that people should just pick themselves up by their boot straps.

Now, has anyone ever thought of that? Of what that means?  It means that while you are where you are, you're supposed to magically grab part of your shoe and somehow maneuver yourself "up".  Now, tell me. Does that make sense?? No. It's physically impossible to do so.


This is the world we live in though. We live in a world where our most recent generation was fed top 10 lists and grew up with fancy stupid little toys that come out once a year. We were sat in front of the TV and fed propaganda.  Sure, not political propaganda. But what else is marketing?

People are starting to catch on that the American dream is no longer feasible in the grand scale. Yes, some are lucky enough to manage it... If you have your foot in the door. If you manage to get on the right lists, which are smaller in comparison to the amount of people trying for them. And people are getting angry.

I support Occupy Wall Street. I don't think that that specifically will do what it's intended, no.  Sure, there are issues with it, kinks in the chain so to speak.. But you know what occupy has done?  For me, it has changed my life. I've had such overwhelming support by Occupiers I don't even know. It's shown me that I am not alone in my observations of our world. (For the record, this still has to do with the question). Occupy has also woken up activists who were long sleeping, feeling that they couldn't do everything alone.

It showed them that they are not alone, and they've begun to do things.  People's homes have been saved from foreclosure. Lives have been changed, when the "rules" in place do nothing to help.



I think that this movement might change. It might help more and more people, and have more and more of a blunt side to it regarding the failures of our government.

Perhaps an event that day will be the trigger for something more. Who knows.  But I do know things are changing, and I'm very happy.

Who would you LEAST like to be haunted by?

What dead famous person would you LEAST like to be haunted by?

Michael Jackson.  Nothing makes my spine shiver like someone jumping behind me and starting to shriek out
THRILLLLLLLLLLLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

I'd rather have Billy Mays Here! To Sell You the BEST STUFF EVARRRRRRRRRRR.

^_^

The Metaphysical?

A Deviant asked: "Oh, that's pretty interesting. What do you think about the metaphysical? Other dimensions, realms, and space?"

I'm not entirely positive of what I think of all aspects of the question, because I haven't figured certain things out yet. But I've known for years that part of my anxiety stems from sensing.. things about people. There are different layers to it. I dislike being in a crowded room with people talking, because there's "too much static" or something along those lines.

At the same time, over the years my ability to figure out what I am picking up about certain people has fine-tuned and changed slightly. I used to get colors.. Now I get mental images from photographs and different "feelings" in person.

For example- I met someone offline two weeks ago when she was helping me hold on to some of my stuff. I had only vaguely seen her profile photo, had never bothered to go to her facebook page, and we talked primarily in a group I had started. So, in short I knew next to nothing about her. In person, I "smelled" lavender when she was near me, within 5 feet. Not literally smelled... A stronger, yet not as strong feeling.

I don't know what that is, but that definitely makes me sure there is something beyond this dimension, this singular plane of existence, of "reality" as we perceive it.

Past life memories I've had of other planets could easily be attributed to an intense imagination, but I'd like to believe the places existed.

Other realms? I never really quite got what people meant by other realms..

As for space, I don't think we are the only sentient beings in existence. However, I do wonder why people think they'd want to stick things up our rectums were they to visit..

Is Honesty the Best Policy?

The next question I found online is "Do you believe honesty is the best policy?"

Why yes, yes I do.  Look at the world we live in. Look at all the lies we hunker beneath, peeping out for some faint gleam of hope.  Our politicians are bought and paid for by the ultrarich. The only jobs right now either require a bachelor's degree, or are minimum wage for extremely stressful work. I don't turn on TV's anymore because I am so sick of the psychological manipulation that is advertising.i

Now, I'm not against trying to sell your product. That's what the point of having a product is.  But the media, advertising, etc is no longer selling just a product. They're selling a type of thought I find disturbing and disgusting. New stuff is fun, yes. Do I think an 8 year old should have an iPhone? No. Perhaps I've wandered slightly from the clear topic.

I am disgusted by how much lying we are psychologically told to do every day. I'm not sure when I became so frustrated with it- When I realized that when people ask "How are you?" They don't really want to know the true answer? Maybe.

I don't keep my thoughts in anymore. If you ask for my advice, or tell me something that's bugging you, and I see potential ways to fix it, I will tell you.  If I see you behaving in a way that destroys your relationships, I will think on it a while and then mention it as gently, but truthfully as possible.

People think I'm callous. In fact it's the opposite. I'd rather your feelings hurt now, but you were stronger and better able to handle reality later. Hiding from reality doesn't fix the problems. It makes them worse.

How would I dress to dress sexy?

Well now, that depends on my mood. Would I want to wear a pair of skintight pinstripe black pants, tucked into knee high black boots, with a pinstripe vest over a white shirt, also tight?

Or would I want to wear a tight slinky dress, to midthigh, that would hug and show off my curves as I danced?

Sexiness is all in the mind, very little in the actual physical presence. I love many different styles, so honestly it would depend on my mood, on my mindset of the moment.

Kat Answers: Terrifying Moment, and an introduction.

My name is Katrina, and I am a writer. I have multiple blogs, and I have a very blunt personality. I dislike things I dislike, and I have trouble pretending otherwise. Online it's even worse. There is a beautiful point in life when you realize that the distance online allows for even more disclosure than offline. Not that I wish to be anonymous. Someday soon I'll compile my various blogs onto a single website, and it'll be easier to find me on Facebook etc.

Keep in mind, I am not narcissistic. Not really. All I am is very curious about myself, and very very pro full disclosure. I dislike that in our society we are taught, no, TRAINED to think of ourselves as worthless, as nothing. We're not. You are all you will ever have to depend on, as harsh as that may sound. You will have your back when no one else will. So why not get to know yourself?

First Question I found.  I found these online. I'll also answer questions I receive from people on my Facebook or Deviantart, or if anyone posts stuff here. 

Name the most terrifying moment of your life so far.


This is kinda difficult. I don't scare easily.  So, it'd be one of two events... That took place within 24 hours of each other.



The first, it was my first night being homeless. I had just stumbled off a 4 day bus ride from Upstate NY, and saw one of my best friends, who I hadn't seen in person in about 3 years.  He had taken me to WinCo(a cheap grocery store that sells decent stuff) and I bought a veggie tray knowing it'd be unlikely I would get decent vegetables for a while.  I sat at Pioneer Square, at about 10 oclock at night, for about an hour.  I had no idea what I would do. I knew NOTHING. Not where any shelters were, not what areas were bad, not who to trust or not.

The lights were orange, and I began to notice that there were less and less people outside. I had seen this one guy who was about my size but with a bit of muscle walking around asking for change. He'd walked the block twice when I walked up to him. I felt really awkward, considering I had never done this before, had never been in this position before and had no idea how he would react.

I introduced myself, said I'm in the same situation as you, I just got into town and have nowhere to sleep tonight, do you know of any safe places?

I trusted HIM. He had slightly skeezy energy, but that was about it. (I trust my instincts for the most part.)  He however pulled another guy over, who was walking around carrying a giant trash bag full of blankets that he was selling. Yeah. Selling BLANKETS to homeless people.  When you're desperate, you're desperate.

I bought a decently thick one for 5 bucks, and Dusty(the guy I asked about the place to sleep) told him to show me a good spot up in the Pearl.  I followed them on their "business" which included a drug deal on Broadway (Which I could tell because A) why would someone BUY crappy halvies(half cigarettes people drop on the ground) for that much, and b) the guy they were selling it to looked at me VERY aggressively and asked "who's THAT and why is she here?"

I was at that point hugging the blanket, pretty much sticking to myself and observing everything around me.  The guy was big, and bald. He was wearing a black leather jacket and standing outside some random club.

Anyway, then Dusty wandered off and Mr Creepy showed me in a wandering way to where we'd sleep. Approximately on 12th and Everett or so.  It was on an upraised portion, and as my first night REALLY being homeless, sleeping outside on cardboard boxes, I was very uncomfortable.  He left to go "spange for another 10 dollars" and was gone for at least 2 hours. 

It was dark, and quiet, and starting to get chillier. I could hear the distant sound of cars moving, and at one point a couple climbed out their window onto their balcony to scream at each other. A cop car went by and I froze, petrified that I'd be arrested for sleeping outside.

About half an hour later a woman stumbled out of a bar, teetering haphazardly on needle thin heels to a white minivan she had parked in front of a shop.  She backed up straight into a stop sign so hard that it knocked the stop sign over, and then she took off... The wrong way on a one way street.

I realized I needed to pee, and it was midnight. I didn't know the area, so I got up and walked slightly, and found a little spot in between the upraised portions of the block. I backed in, pulled my pants down and squatted, wide-eyed, staring at the street. I don't know if I expected someone to appear at the edge and block me in, or a cop to happen to glance at just the right angle and see me, or what, but it was a very uncomfortable pee.

I crept back up to my makeshift bed and laid there, staring at the purple looking sky.  I fell asleep before the guy came back, and suddenly woke up.  I glanced over where I saw movement, and saw the guy sitting with his bag open and a pile of pills and vials and syringes. When I looked, he was injecting some unknown substance into his arm.  I froze and very carefully settled myself and closed my eyes.

I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up and sat bolt upright after having a dream of him slicing me into four pieces and ripping me apart.

That's probably the scariest thing that's ever happened to me. That, or waking up to some guy having sex with me without my permission.  I'll go into that in more detail (I really don't mind) if anyone is wondering what happened with that one.