Doubts?

What goals have you been unable to accomplish because you have doubts about your abilities?

I'm not going to say that I AM unable to accomplish them.. But I will say I haven't accomplished them due to doubts and fears.  For years I have wanted to write a novel. Not just any novel, a bestseller. I know it's there in me, beating at the cage it's trapped in. I know it. I have such unlimited creativity.. Except that I put limits on MYSELF.

I will admit this here, in the alleged anonymity of the internet, because there is something more freeing in it than saying it aloud.  When you say it out loud to someone the wind can whip it away, tearing the words from your lips and scattering them to the world.  You can be interrupted in the midst of a thought and have to struggle to remember a shred of what you were talking about. The words are fleeting, unremarkable. At least from me. Some people are amazing speakers. I'm not. I barely feel comfortable talking. Actually, honestly, I prefer not talking. In writing I can make sure my message comes across clearly, in a way that is understandable.

But...  I'm afraid.  I am afraid of the sheer power of my creative mind. I am afraid of how easily I get swept up in things, swept away by them. I don't want to lose myself again in the whirlwind. 

It's the one thing I want more than anything (except my family to be happy.. and even that I'm not so sure ><;  If that makes me a terrible person, so be it.  But there are so many words in me that have been screaming for freedom that I just can't ignore them.

There is a reason I've started so many blogs. There is a reason I post so many status updates.  It's not because I want to be the center of attention- honestly, if people like it or don't doesn't matter to me. I HAVE to share them. Otherwise I feel like I'm about to erupt.  I've tried just writing them in documents, just writing them and keeping them to myself, but it doesn't work. The words aren't being freed into the universe.  They're being held tightly to my chest, crushed before they can fly.


I've started so many times, so many tales.. always stopping right as I feel the enormity of the tale sweeping into my mind like nothing else on the planet.  Perhaps that's what it is like to glance beside you and see a tidal wave coming upon you, knowing you are powerless against it.


Yes, I have doubts. And I am trying hard to relieve myself of them.  It is very rare that I am scared, but I am scared of losing my sanity again.